ana's garden...

07/30/2023, 6:53pm

been on vacation for, like, ever. had a week's break in between trips (during which i restricted) but i find it so hard to count cals while i'm away i just don't bother... but i'll be back home soon and honestly? im kind of looking forward to restricting again!!!! i love my eating disorder sometimes (now is one of those times) i cant wait to be skinny!!! hope every1 reading this has a good day :3

ciao,
- ana

02/10/2023, 6:53pm

didn't do too bad today... i got put on a new antidepressant recently and it's really helped me to stop eating when i'm bored, i think. hopefully i get back into the swing of things soon. man, i had my edtwt anniversary the other day. isn't that crazy? that i've been knee-deep in this shit for over a year now? haha... could be worse, i guess.

ciao,
- ana

12/17/2022, 5:11pm

F- today :/ my mom's been wanting to watch her favorite xmas movie and eat pizza with it and i had three slices, i'm such a pig... whatever, at least i can skip dinner now. i'll update my diary whenever i lay down so i get the right amount of steps lol. hopefully sunday's better.

ciao,
- ana

12/15/2022, 5:45am

good morning!! i slept super well even if i got up at like 4am bc of a new sleeping med i got, i'm so happy!! hopefully it keeps working this well!!!

the second ED server i joined is much nicer than the toxic one thankfully!! also i just learned that oranges are a winter fruit :0 i didnt know that...

anyway i had an orange for breakfast, here's to today being a good day!!

ciao~!!
- ana

12/14/2022, 9:33pm

got myself banned from the toxic as shit server on purpose by being annoying and spam pinging @everyone, i'm so glad to be out of there =_= i need positivity in my life i can't handle that much assholishness...

i hope the other server i joined, when i get verified, is nicer... i'm in one server already and everyone is very chill it's nice!

hope everyone reading this is having a good day!

ciao!
- ana

12/14/2022, 5:50pm

failed my fast. ate over 4k calories today. i seriously want to die but whatever.

i joined a couple ED discord servers and immediately got bullied for my weight (i'm 282.5 lbs). like i need the bullying, it's motivation, but ouch! ouch. it hurts.

hopefully i do better tomorrow. i think if i hit 300 lbs total i'll actually try to kill myself, the only thing stopping me is 'i don't wanna die fat'.

whatever.

ciao,
- ana

12/14/2022, 1:51am

im fasting for 24 hours at least to make up for my mistake, so all is well!! don't have much else to say, except i wonder if i'm faking my eating disorder... i'm not very good at it :/ i feel like i'm just a fatass who's desparate to lose weight but Whatever. fake it 'til you make it i guess.

ciao,
- ana

12/13/2022, 10:45pm

fuck fuck fuck i had like 800 calories of junk that's not a lot but it's totally gonna ruin my diet i wanna purge but my family might hear ughhhh i wanna kill myself

12/13/2022, 8:15pm

idk how to feel today. i ate, like, 1,400 cals which is a lot for some people but pretty good for me, so i think i'm happy about that. uh, i started this site, also, which is good. i think. i started it the other day, but i wanted to make it a blog. i coded all this pretty much myself instead of using a template! i've only made one other site before (it's deleted now, i hated it lol), and i used a template for it...

anyway, now i can be less paranoid about my irl friends finding this. i mean, if they did they probably wouldn't know it's me. they think i don't have an ED, which works out well for me lol. i wish i could have ed friends but it just makes me sooooo paranoid that my other friends might find out and ditch me. i'm sorry, really, i don't want this either but all i can think about is being skinny. i just have to be underweight, i wish i could explain it. it sucks! it really does.

hopefully i'll remember to update tomorrow. it'd be nice to have a blog i posted on semi-regularly- all my old wordpress blogs hardly saw any use. (maybe a tumblr would be better? idk i haven't touched that site in years.)

ciao!
- ana